Meet the Mancunian - Bonus episode - Talking life lessons with my guests

Bonus - S4 - Life Lessons

Intro

Welcome to the final bonus episode of the Meet the Mancunian podcast: social impact stories from Manchester. This is Season Four. I'm Deepa Thomas-Sutcliffe, your friendly host. On the streets and nooks of Manchester, my inspiring guests tackle their causes with grit and passion. They are leaders, worker bees and community hosts. And they share their stories to inspire you all through the season.

Relax, grab a brew and listen in to the Meet the Mancunian podcast at Apple, Google, Spotify, or any of your favourite podcasting platforms. You can also check out all the episodes on my new website, www.meetthemancunian.co.uk.

I'll be taking a two month break for some travel until 11th April 2023, when I will be launching Season Five. In the meantime, I hope you'll check out some of my interesting guests from Seasons 1, 2, 3, and four.

This special bonus episode is a thank you to listeners and it's a curation of the most important life lessons my guests have shared in the podcast. They span the professional and the person. One of my guests even offers you practical tips for framing an email or a complaint in a more effective way. I hope you enjoy this bonus episode and take away some tips for your life. Thank you so much.

Bonus episode

Dr. Stephen Evans: Be a good listener. It's an acquired skill and it's a really difficult skill, instead of just bumping my gums all the time and talking to stop and listen to the other person and give that person lots of space and time to express themselves and be very patient while you are waiting for them to articulate.

Deepa Thomas-Sutcliffe: Thank you for sharing that. That is true. It's a very hard skill and obviously one, as a communications professional and now as a podcaster, I'm trying to continue to hone that, but it is hard because sometimes we listen to respond rather than listen to really give that really thoughtful response after you've considered, you've given that person the space.

Dr. Stephen Evans: So I find it's something that as medical practitioners. and people working in mental health services acquire and really train to be as part of that therapeutic side is to be a really good listener. Some people listen but don't hear. But to listen and hear, that’s what is important.

Deepa Thomas-Sutcliffe: And I think it comes down to making the person feel comfortable with articulating their thoughts and not feel like they're under a time pressure to, come up with that punchline. So that's really, really good.

Natalie Rossiter:  I think probably it is to trust the process and I'm kind of smiling and sort of wanting to roll my eyes as well as I say it because when I did my training, people used to tell me this all of the time. Just trust the process. But I was in my early twenties and I was in such a rush to do everything and wanted to know how everything would turn out and do everything right all the time and all of that stuff. And people used to tell me to trust the process and I found it really irritating as a piece of advice.

But now, so I'm 35 now, and like, I would now, I now give people that annoying advice myself and I even on my last holiday, we went to. Earlier this year and I was in a shop and I saw it had ‘Trust the process’ written on this t-shirt, and I just had to have it. And it was like an inside joke to myself, that me 10 years ago would've been like, oh, I hate that t-shirt.

But it's, it's really true. You've just got to go with it. There are no guarantees. You've just got to, keep the faith and keep going.

Deepa Thomas-Sutcliffe: That is such a relevant point you brought up because its right place, right time, and context is everything, isn't it? The same T-shirt, if you had seen it, maybe in your twenties, you would've just said, oh yeah, no way,

So this is really true and it's very relatable for anybody because as we grow in years and wisdom, we have different levels of maturity that come in.

Yvonne Hope: Oh goodness. I don't know how I would pick one. I think the most important life lesson I've learned is listening. I don't think I'm a very good listener. People say I am, but I always think your own head is full of your own story, isn't it? And whatever's preoccupying you. I think listening helps you to be a better human.

It helps you to come down to somebody else’s level, instead of sitting up in your lofty throne room in your own head, it helps you to understand what somebody else is going through. And I don't mean that, just in a crisis or trauma situation. I mean, generally, it could be anything, but I think, Barnabus has taught me that more than anything else. Barnabus has taught me millions of things, but the thing I probably treasure the most is the fact that I get to listen to people. And in my old job, it was just me talking at people as a marketer, not really listening. Now my day is better spent listening to people because I can really solve problems that way.

Deepa Thomas-Sutcliffe: Oh, it is. It is a really important skill to develop in any field. So kudos to you that you are you're starting to work on that, and that's a great, great skill to have.

Jez Myers: I think there's two, one life often really, really, really sucks. And it's not a life lesson that you like to learn. But everybody has it. Everybody has something that happens in their life. Comes out of nowhere and knocks them for six. It happens to everyone, whether it's an unforeseen breakup or for me I will never forget the day when I got a phone call from my ex-partner telling me that my son had a bit of a rash, but it was nothing to worry about.

She was going to get it checked out and she called me back a couple of hours later and said, you need to get yourself down to Birmingham Children's Hospital tomorrow morning because we think he's got leukemia. And you never forget those things and everybody has them. And, I don't think anybody sails through life without having something. And it's learning to deal with that.

So, really, it's learning to deal with emotional challenges, but I think for me, the bigger life lesson is to learn how to structure an email and a letter and a complaint. And I know that off the back of me talking about emotional stuff and I'm sure your guests talk about really important life lessons.

But honestly, if you've got people who are listening here. Everybody wants to complain. Everybody wants to write a letter. Everybody wants now to get things done. And there, there's no scary, surprising science about it. But if you structure conversations in a way which are, What is the problem? How did it impact me? and what I would like you to do about it, it's absolutely fantastic.

So, I get requests for speeches or talks or interviews or whatever. And people start and they give me a long rambling back story to it and I'm like, just tell me what you want and I'll tell you whether I can do it or not.

I find that when I'm dealing with people, if I structure my emails, if I structure my thing saying, look, this is the problem. This is how it's impacted me. This is what I'd like you to do about it. And it works for everything. This is the event I'm running, this is what it's for and when it is, and I'd like you to come and do a talk about it.

I think the more people that realise that, I don't need life stories. And other people don't need your life story. They just need to know what you want from them. And people are very, very shy, particularly when complaining. They'll say, oh, well my laptop's broken and it meant the kids can't do their homework and all that.

But they don't actually say what they want you to do about it. Do you want it replaced? Do you want it repaired? Oh, this company's treated me badly. Okay, so, so are you wanting money from the firm? What do you want out of this interaction? And I think there needs to be more people, who realise that if you want something, you need to be prepared to ask for it.

But you need to ask for it in a structured way, this is the problem, this is what, how it's impacted me. This is what I'd like you to do about it. And I think that's my life lesson for today is, follow that mantra and you can apply it to pretty much every conversation and then you can have your expectations managed.

Deepa Thomas-Sutcliffe: I think that's a really practical tip and I'm thinking already about how many applications are out of it. So thank you so much for sharing and I'm sure listeners will really appreciate that as well. And I guess you make it easy for people to help you or not, by making it clear what you are asking for, because otherwise, if you are indirect, the other side guesses. And that may or not be what you're looking for

Jez Myers: Yes, and I think I built it up off, off the background of somebody once saying to me many, many years ago for conversations, they said, rant, advice, solution. And, I live and, and it's something that just makes so much sense to me, which is when somebody comes to you.

I've perennially been awful at relationships. I think Maria hasn’t listened to this, but awful in relationships because my communication wasn't effective and it wasn't effective because people came to me wanting to rant. A partner came to me and they wanted to rant. They had a bad day at work, and I offered them a solution, but they didn't want a solution. They just wanted to rant. Or sometimes they wanted advice. How do I go about solving it? Sometimes they wanted a solution, but if you are not clear about what your expectations are from, from somebody asking you, then it's very, very hard to manage the conversation, to manage the expectations.

And the number of times and I'm sure you are the same and you'll know many people there. The number of times I get a phone call from my mum. and she goes, well, I was just thinking about this problem that you have and maybe you could try doing this. And I'm just sort of sitting there on the phone and gasp going, but I never asked you for any advice on this situation. And I certainly don't want you to be providing solutions. Why are you phoning me up and wasting my time with that? And, it's indicative of poor communication, which is if I wanted a solution from you, I'd say, hi, what do I do about this?

So, it's learning that pathway. I think I learned from that pathway to clear and effective or clearer. I'm still learning. Clearer and more effective communication.

Ruth Downs: As we said, that every single thing that happens to you, there's a reason for it, and you just have to, don't look out, always look at what your lesson is and how you can do better.

So like, don't place blame on others, always. Turn it around and think, right? If I was in that situation again, what would I do differently? And never let anyone tell you you can't. I love my family, but there was only one person in my family that I think believed that I could get to where I am now.

And even they admit it now. They go, oh, I didn't think you'd make it all the way through and it's like, just have that belief and just listen to your inner gut.

Deepa Thomas-Sutcliffe: Thank you for sharing that. It's a great, great life lesson because I think that inner belief or that self-confidence, can take you places because you keep yourself going when maybe others around you aren't as confident.

Ruth Downs: I have to say, I'm not necessarily a very confident person. And, I'm saying this because I'm forgetting that there are going to be tons of people listening to this. But it's, it's more like we're just having a conversation.

So I don't want people to think, oh gosh, she sounds really confident. She knows what she's doing. I mean, obviously in finance, I know what I'm doing. But every day is a lesson. and I always think, what can I learn from what I did today and how can I make that better? That growth mindset. And it's something I have to work really hard at. So everyone that's listening can do it.

Deepa Thomas-Sutcliffe:  Thank you. I believe that too.

Lauren Rosegreen:. I think everybody gets kind of self-confidence issues. And, I definitely get it a lot. Being mixed race and being young and being female, I'm usually in a lot of spaces where I'm the only person that looks like me. And so the imposter syndrome always creeps in.

And I think, the most important life lesson for me is that that's always going to happen. So that's the first thing for me, is recognising it. But then how I deal with it has been, the lesson that I've learned is that I know that to just sit in my feelings and feel like it, and then after the situation has passed, reflect back so that that won't happen again in that particular situation.

And how can I implement things so that I don't feel that way and I don't feel uncomfortable, unconfident, or uncomfortable? Because we are all doing our best. Everybody's comparing themselves to each other. And if you're ever in a room or a space and you're suddenly like, why am I here? Like, I'm not good enough to be here. Nine times out of 10. At least a couple of other people in that room will be thinking that way.

So I'd say that's my biggest life lesson is that that's always going to happen. Personally for me. It's always going to happen. But actually, how do I try and reduce the amount of times that it happens and just own the fact that it's okay to be a bit different and you are doing a great job. Even if you don't think so, you are doing a great job.

Deepa Thomas-Sutcliffe: I think so, and I think everybody brings such unique perspectives, right? And that comes from who you are, what your values are, what your perspective is, what effort you're willing to put in, what are your passions. So really great. Thanks for sharing that.

And I think many people would relate to that because regardless of gender, we all suffer sometimes from those feelings - not quite sure if you belong.

Lauren Rosegreen: Yeah, exactly.

Ben Andrews: I think the most important life lesson, so I'm going to, I have two sort of that conflict in some ways, but one is, I do think that if you, everyone to achieve what you want to achieve, then you do have to work hard.

Like you do have to put the graft in and you have to set time aside and really apply yourself to it. But in the same breath, you need to enjoy yourself. So I'm, sort of still learning that. I think we're always trying to find balance in that we need to work hard when we need to work hard.

But aside from that, spend time with family. Enjoy yourself. Do the things that you want to do, because you never, from all the stuff that I hear and read, you never get anyone on the deathbed saying, I wish I would've worked harder. It's always, I wish I would've spent more time with loved ones. I wish you would've worked less in some cases.

So I think don't let yourself get to that point knowing what we know now. Do it now. Enjoy yourself and, spend time with your loved ones. And that's what's the most important thing.

Deepa Thomas-Sutcliffe: That's a really great tip, and I think it is one that we need to always balance, right? It's a constant challenge, work-life balance as they say. And it's easy to go into work mode, and forget those little moments that you won't get back.

Ben Andrews: Yeah, absolutely. And if you can find a creative outlet as well. I think that's what I found with the books in that managing a company's brilliant and especially when you're passionate about it. I love it.

But I didn't really realise that there was probably a, and although we are really creative within the business and we're always innovating and thinking of new ideas, a different style of creativity, sort of what I found through writing a book and working out the characters and being a bit silly with the stories that I found is really satisfying. Maybe an element in life that I'd long forgotten from childhood. But I've been given the opportunity to run with that now and I'm really grateful for it.

So I would say, whether it's learning an instrument, writing a book, starting a podcast, editing videos, whatever it might be. Put a bit of time aside for yourself and do something a bit creative and fun that you can have fun with.

Deepa Thomas-Sutcliffe: Absolutely. Great tip.

Sarah Revington: I think not to over anticipate the what ifs, so this may happen because of this and all that kind of stuff which can be really debilitating when you get really into it and, and fall into those feelings of this is what could happen. This is what could happen and you can prepare for it, however, you don't know until it's done. And it's kind of like you've sometimes just got to go for it.

Deepa Thomas-Sutcliffe: Love the philosophy. It's a really good one because, sometimes it's better to plunge right in than to keep hesitating and thinking ahead. And, there's a good part of thinking ahead, which is planning, but there's also the thinking of all the reasons not to do it. Thanks, Sarah.

Charles Kwaku-Odoi: I think it's humility and recognising one's own weaknesses and challenges.

Deepa Thomas-Sutcliffe:  Yeah, it's a good one. I thought you'd choose focus, but this is also a really good one, because you sounded like you're extremely focused. You've got the eye on the goal. You're going to meet that vision.

Nidhi Sinha:  Smile more and talk less.

Deepa Thomas-Sutcliffe: That's a good one.

Nidhi Sinha: And I think my life lesson is to, I think people are different. It's really about listening. Listening to people rather than talking. We're all very good at talking, and I think if we listen more, then, there's… It's also often what people don't say that you need to pick up on as well.

Deepa Thomas-Sutcliffe: That is really powerful because I think it's hard to be a good listener. We're always listening to answer rather than listening to just reflect and even give people a chance to frame their thoughts and share their views.

Nidhi Sinha: Well, you've hit the name on the head there. Reflection, I think within… What I've learned also is within the Christian faith, reflection is a really, really big thing.

Whereas within the Hindu community or aspects I've never been taught to reflect. And so I think reflection is a really big ideology within the Christian faith. When they have evening prayer and morning prayer, for example, there's always bouts of silence. They have a reading and then they'll be silent.

And it's almost like you have to teach yourself what you're meant to do in that silence. I know you're meant to be reflecting on the passage, but how do you do that? How can you be self-critical of it? I think reflection is a really big part of what we should be doing.

Deepa Thomas-Sutcliffe: Very, very true. And again, a hard skill to develop. And one that takes because our minds are so busy, aren't they? So they're always, there are a million things you could be thinking about, but just to take that moment and to be present and to focus yourself. It is hard.

Alex Winstanley: Oh, it's a really tough one. I know someone said to me last year, who's the most important person in your life? And I said, my daughter. And they said, well, actually, it, it's not your daughter, it's yourself. They said, because if you don't look after yourself, you can't look after your daughter. And that's something I'm always working on. I'm always trying to help other people, but I think as social entrepreneurs, we're always trying to help everybody.

And I think we need to learn to look after ourselves a little bit more, and that's really easy to say and really hard to do, and I am not the best person at doing that at all, but I'm hopefully learning, and trying my best to get there.

Deepa Thomas-Sutcliffe: It's a really great tip. It's like they say in a plane, right? Put on the oxygen mask that's right on yourself before you take care of others.

Alex Winstanley: That's it.

Deepa Thomas-Sutcliffe: And it's the same thing. Nurture yourself, self-care. Because otherwise, you don't have the strength to take care of others, or your company or your family. So yeah, it is a hard one, but it's a great one. Thank you for sharing that.

Susan Roughton: I think that from Lindsay being poorly, being positive every day.

But also if you are upset with somebody, just tell them. Just tell them what you think. Get over it and move on. Because life is so short, you don't know what is going to happen from day to day. I know of some people that we've granted wishes for. They've been told that they're poorly and then they could die within weeks or months? They don't have a long time to sort it out.

And, I know Lindsay had a friend that she fell out with and it was very difficult for her to forgive. When I think to myself, you've just got to forgive. You've got to forgive everything and just move on. So if you've got something to say, say it. Move on. You've only wasted 10, or 15 minutes of your day instead of pondering on it for like three days and then having a massive row and then not speaking to each other again.